The Joke Thread....

A telemarketer calls a family’s home phone​

A little girl picks up and whispers “hello?”

TM- “Oh hello little girl, are your mommy or daddy home?”

LG- (chuckles, then whispers) “yes they both are, but they’re busy and can’t talk right now.”

TM- “Oh, okay… is there another adult I can speak with?”

LG- (whispers) yea, there’s a cop and two firemen, but they’re also busy right now. (laughs)

TM- “Oh really?! Well what are they all doing?”

LG- (laughs) “They’re looking for me!”
 

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....​

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God..!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ..?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep..?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod..??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam..? Madam..?..... Good Lord, she's fainted..!
 

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army​

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russian side of the border. If you die on the Ukrainian side of the border, then all hope is lost

"If you die on the Russian side of the border, you have two options: either you're buried in the battlefield, or under a tree. If you're buried in the battlefield, then all hope is lost.

"If you're buried under a tree, you have two options: either the tree lives or it gets chopped. If the tree lives, then all hope is lost.

"If the tree is chopped, you have two options: you will be made into pencils or paper. If they make pencils out of you, then all hope is lost.

"If they make paper out of you, you have two options: you will become writing paper or toilet paper. If you become writing paper, then all hope is lost.

"If you become toilet paper, you have two options: you will be placed in the men's room or the women's room. If you're placed in the men's room, then all hope is lost.

"If you're placed in the women's room, you have two options: you're going to be used on the behind side or the front side. If you're used on the behind side, then all hope is lost."

"And what if I get used on the front side?"

"Well, Vanya, that's basically the same as getting married."
 

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.​

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, “Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving”, “Hold on to that fee, ling.”
 

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.​

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"
 

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed​

All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the pastor cheering with joy, that someone from that family decided to become protestant

After the pastor left, the family members ask the old man: „But why? Why did you become protestant?“

With his last breath, the man replies: „I thought it would be better one of them dies!“
 

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.​

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, nobody would lease him their house because the homeowners feared the children would wreck the place.

Harry couldn't say he had no children, because he wouldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So one afternoon, Harry sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children. He took the remaining kid with him to his appointment with a real estate agent for a showing of rental homes.

Harry loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

"Twelve," Harry said.

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best sad look, answered: “They're in the cemetery with their mother.”

Harry got the house.
 

there was a family of moles-​

Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell treacle"

Dad ignores her.

Jnr is a precocious mole doesn't like being ignored. "Mummy, I really really can smell treacle"

Mum- "jnr is very insistent that he can smell treacle".

This time dad stops digging and turns to jnr "son, you're a big mole these days, nearly grown up. You can dig well, you can hunt for food, but I can't believe you haven't learnt to tell the difference between treacle and molasses...
 

The Truth About My Jokes​

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two things: First, I'm not a father, so I don't think that label quite qualifies. However, second, if we grant that it does, considering the negative response towards my jokes.


Are they faux pas?
 

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.​

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity.
 

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan​

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I have been making jokes every time I see him. I'd say things like, "Hey! Lunch is on me today!" and "I bet you'd like a nice juicy steak about now!". Sometimes I would walk to my car patting my belly after breakfast. When I went to get my mail the other day, I was eating an apple and ran into him. I took a big bite and said "mmm, so good" and laughed my arse off. Now, I though all this was just a bit of friendly banter. Just some ribbing going on between friends. But I clearly took it too far.

See, just today he comes up to me and says "Brother, I just thought I would let you know, this Friday evening my family and all our friends will be breaking fast with a huge barbeque. We will have a goat on a spit. We will be grilling steak and lamb chops all through the night. We will be cooking high quality sausages. We will be using all sorts of spices and marinades. Even with us all there, there will be more meat then we can all eat. You are more than welcome to join us"

Cheeky bastard knows I'm Catholic.
 

a 17 year old and a pharmacist​

A 17-year-old walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. After that, I hope it comes to the extreme, if you understand ..." The pharmacist says, "I understand. I suppose you could use condoms? Here's a pack for you." The young man thanks him and pays. On his way out the door, he stops, smiles mischievously, walks back and says, "You know, the mother is quite a sweeper, too. I think I'll take another pack, just in case."

Evening comes and the boy is sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend, her mother and her father. The family is religious, so the mother asks the guest to say grace. The boy firmly closes his eyes and prays and prays and prays. After a while, the daughter leans over to him and whispers, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy says, "And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
 

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.​

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family. After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.” The wife then introduces him to the children. The parrot says “You have very nice children.” Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
 

Family vacation​

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet monkey.

Police investigate but can't find a reason for the crash. They bring the monkey in for questioning.

Police: What were was the mother doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes applying lipstick using the rear view mirror.
Police: Ahhh she had the mirror turned. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were the kids doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes kids fighting.
Police: Ahhh- The kids caused a distraction. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What was the Dad doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes drinking out of a bottle.
Police: Ahhh. The father was drinking. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were you doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes holding a steering wheel and driving.
 
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