The Joke Thread....

A little boy was brought into our emergency room after ingesting part of a plug-in air freshener. After consulting Poison Control and monitoring him, the doctor wrote on his discharge, "Patient doing well. Ready to go home. Smells good."
 
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"

"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
 
A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy's still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn't help his condition either.

"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.

"I know. That I can cure."
 
As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."
 
When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."

"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
 
One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurses station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
 
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
 
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
 
Desperate for registered nurses, my colleagues and I in hospital administration often share ideas to recruit employees. Out of exasperation, I made a joking plea to two of my colleagues, asking them to send me six nurses from each of their hospitals. That request prompted one of them to suggest a unique solution: "Send six nurses to the top three names on the list of hospital administrators, and then send your request to five other colleagues. In 14 days you will have received 1,567 nurses."
 
After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."

As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."
 
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
 
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
 
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.

They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."

Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
 
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

"Blood," orders the first vampire.

"Make it two," says the second.

The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"

"Plasma," says the vampire.

"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
 
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
 
A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"

"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."

"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.

The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
 
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."
 
A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!” The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!” Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?” “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
 
A millionaire, a hard hat, and a cheapskate are at a bar... When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It’s now the cheapskate’s turn: He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”
 
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