The Joke Thread....

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.​

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion?’ Then she called his father and he also slapped him.

The next day when the teacher saw him with his face red and asked what happened, Mohammad said, ‘Madam, four hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Arabs'.
 

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)​

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.
 

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom....​

He saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.


One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.


Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
 

One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.​

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."
 

I heard somewhere that 1 in 5 people is Chinese​

And there's 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese

I know I'm not Chinese, and I'm pretty sure my parents aren't Chinese so that leaves my 2 brothers

Colin and Chong Lin

I think it's Colin
 

A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.​

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, the students guess every flavor they can think of until the room is silent, they can't figure it out. Finally, the teacher says, "Alright class, I'll give you a hint. It's something your parents probably call each other all the time!" The kids are all quiet for a few seconds until Little Johnny gasps, stands up and yells, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
 

Two parents want to have sex​

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're right

So the wife says in a louder voice:

-Honey, what are our neighbours doing?

The son replies:

-Well, Ms.Miller is moaning the lawn, Mr.Richard is washing his car and Jason's parents are having sex

-WHAT?! Honey, how do you know that??

-Because Jason is sitting on the balcony
 

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time​

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the same.

She asked a third time, and the conductor clearly agitated replied, "not yet, I will let you know when we get there."

Sarah then fell asleep and when she woke up, she could not wait anymore so she asked, "Have we reached Entebbe?"
The conductor instantly realized his mistake but it was too late, Entebbe was too far behind, "we have already passed it," he replied.
"But I told you to remind me when we reached," cried Sarah.

The other passengers who had been watching the situation unfold agreed that the conductor was clearly in the wrong and should turn the bus back.
The conductor and driver reluctantly agreed and so they turned back.

When they reached Entebbe, the conductor informed Sarah.
She promptly removed a container from her bag and started eating from it. The conductor, running out of patience, asked her why she was not getting out.

Sarah replied, "No, this not my stop. My mum told me when the bus reached Entebbe I am to eat the food she packed for me. She said If I ate too soon, I would become hungry again on the way."
 

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."​

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."
 

Parent Teacher conference​

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''



The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet," the dad replies.

The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."



The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"

"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.



"That's what I said" the boy replies.
 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited​

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
 

Meeting the family...and the dog​

A sincere but nervous young man was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

Everything started smoothly; the parents considered that he was a polite fellow and seemed happy enough that their daughter was dating him.

At dinner time, everyone is at the table. The parents are on one side, the guy and his girlfriend are on the other. The family's dog, curious about this new person, comes and sits at the side of the guy.

A few minutes later, the guy's nerves get the better of him and he farts. Not loudly, but audibly.

"Rover!" the father shouts at the dog, who whines.

"Phew", thinks the guy, "he thought it was the dog".

Bit later, the guy farts again, somewhat louder this time.

"Rover!" yells the father. The dog whines again.

The guy can't believe his luck.

Just before dessert, the guy lets rip once more, with a fart which invokes the Richter scale.

"Rover!" exclaims the father. "Get away from that guy before he actually shits on you!"
 

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today​

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out.

I’m no longer allowed at my sons school.
 

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.​

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have much money or many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first woman looks ashamed. "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was only trying to impress you. You know that holiday I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents' house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Oh, ladies, I'm just as bad. It's not a Porsche he bought me, but an old, battered Skoda."

"Well, I also have a confession to make," said the third.

"Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
 

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”​

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”
 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.​

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
 
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