The Joke Thread....

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.​

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”. The young Italian girls sheepishly walks up the stairs. She comes running back saying “momma I can’t do it, I’m too nervous.” The mom said “I’m cooking, you need to go up there and fulfill your duties!” The daughter comes bolting down the stairs 5 minutes later and exclaims “Momma Momma, he has a foot and a half!” The mom calmly put her towel down and said “you finish cooking, I’ll take care of your wifely duties.”

My papaw told me that joke a week before he passed away. Still cracks me up.
 

The last patient and philosophy of marriage​

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise she might think there is some nonsense going on!”
 
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
 

Key to a successful marriage​

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, “When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it’s been all small decisions.”
 

My marriage is over.​

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
 

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.​

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing your teeth?"

Marriage is a difficult relationship I tell you.
 

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years​

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."
 

What's the secret to your happy marriage?​

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's one"

About a ½ mile down the trail the mule steped on a rock and again almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's two"

About ¾ mile in the mule tripper over a branch in the trail and my bride was thown to the ground. She got up, picked up the branch and beat that poor mule to death.

In horror I looked at her and said "sweetheart what the hell did you do that for?!"

She just looked at me and quietly said "that's one"

That was our last argument. Been happy ever since.
 

After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."​

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one
 

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222​

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an encoded message, meant to a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation, shortly after 2 agents are dispatched to the location.

After some hours of work and observation they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message, the president eventually calls again and says:

Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.

The 2 agents recorded the enigmatic message and after some more frustration, they decided to call in a specialist in Portuguese language. The specialist after learning of the situation decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president room.

Wen the specialist got back he explained:

All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room. Two tea, to two two two.
 

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?​

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.
 

Hall pass​

My wife is really not too bright. We have this system where we have what's called a "hall pass" where you get to have sex with any two people in the whole world, as long as your spouse agrees to it.

Now, I picked Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. But my wife, she picked the Mexican guy that mows our lawn and his brother! Out of all the people in the world.
 

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse​

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r>
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving around the corner as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
 
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