The Joke Thread....

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven​

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that means here you will have a 2 bedroom apartment and a Nissan to move around. Next up, Moe, you cheated on Linda, your wife for 25 years a total of 20 times, you will live in a rundown studio in the worst part of heaven and drive a 74 Pinto.

Now Joe, you were married to Jane for 30 years and Never were you unfaithful. Not even once. You will therefore have a Beachside Luxury penthouse, VIPs to all of our celestial nightclubs and a brand new Lambo.

After a couple of months go by Moe is driving his Pinto and sees Joe in his Lambo on a red light crying his eyes out. He says “hey Joe what’s with the tears man, you got all this nice luxury items for all eternity, you are friends with all celestial celebrities, why are you crying??”

Joe replies tearfully: “I just saw Jane Homeless, moving around on a Skateboard”
 

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."​

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
 

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.​

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the other, then go to the office to do some work.
 
A man's life can be summarized in the question, 'Where are you going?'
He spends the first 25 years of his life with his parents asking him this question, the next 35 years of his life with his spouse and kids asking, and in the end, the mourners asking the same question
 

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…​

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbles Saint Peter, shaking his head. “If you are sorry for your infidelity I will grant you access to this heavenly course and some golf clubs.”

“Oh I am very sorry” replies Frank. Saint Peter nods, and hands Frank a bag of old, wooden golf clubs.

Ron steps up and receives the same question from Saint Peter, “How many times?” Ron answers sheepishly “I was unfaithful twice and for that I am sorry”. Saint Peter hands Ron a bag of gently used Titleist clubs.

Steve’s turn. Without skipping a beat he beams with pride and states that he was never unfaithful. And so Saint Peter hands Steve a brand new set of Callaways and opens the gates for the three to enter.

All three are enjoying their round when, out of nowhere, Steve crumples to the ground sobbing. The other two run over to see what’s wrong. “Dude, what’s going on?” asks Frank, “you were faithful and you have the nicest set of clubs on the course, what could possibly be bothering you this much?!”

Blubbering loudly, Steve manages to say “I just saw my wife out on the course!”

“That’s great!” exclaims Ron.

“No it’s not!!!” cries Steve. “She was playing golf with a pool cue and a hockey stick!”
 

Till death​

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

The first man: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.

The second man: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.

The third man: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.

A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,

"Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?"

The man in the Corvette turns and answers in a sobbing reply,

"I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard..."
 

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.​

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious figure who went by the name of Arty.

Arty explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse with $5000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he collected his wife's insurance money. Arty insisted on being paid something up front, so the husband opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside. Arty sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Arty followed the wife to her local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor, unsuspecting wife drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Arty had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Arty, the entire proceedings were captured by a hidden camera, and observed by the store's security guard who immediately called the police. Arty was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning in the police station, Arty revealed the sordid plan, including the financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why the next day in the newspaper the headline declared:

Arty chokes two for a dollar at Safeway.
 
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