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The Joke Thread....

01dragonslayer

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.​

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”

“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”

“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”

“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”

“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”

“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”

The priest falls silent.

“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”

The priest still did not answer.

“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”

The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.

“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”

“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
 

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Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad​

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They said they were looking for something. Thanks, son. It looks like I will get the crops planted.

Your loving and grateful father
 

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An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...​

He's a Pharoah in deNile.
 

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Son asks his father for a gift​

Son: - Dad I need a gift for my birthday

Dad: - What do you want Son

Son: - I need a Bitcoin

Dad: - What?? Why do you need $ 35K for?? You know how difficult it is to earn $ 25K dollars?? You will learn difficulty of earning $ 40K when you get a job
 

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A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night​

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is just a coincidence.

A few weeks later the father again finds his son praying in the middle of the night ' Good night mommy, goodnight daddy, bye bye granny'. The next day he hears that his mother in law died in the middle of the day. The father now thinks that his son can predict the future and becomes scared of it.

A few weeks later, the father again finds his son praying but this time it was just 'goodnight mommy, bye bye daddy'. The father now loses his mind and becomes scared. He runs out of the house in the night. The father thinks that since it is his last day, he might as well live life for once. He spends the next day outdoors enjoying the nature one last time. The day ends and night arrives, but nothing happened.

The father is overjoyed and thinks to himself that his son was wrong and the earlier predictions were just coincidences. He rushes home to his family. The wife asks him ' Stu where the hell where you?, I have been calling you all day long on the damn phone'. He says ' I was just having a bad day'.

The wife tells him 'You think you were having a bad day, well try this, today my boss dropped dead in front of me in the middle of the day'
 

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As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father​

I mean, it's a little apparent.
 

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A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”​

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”
 

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.​

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

- What was that for? - he asks, confused.

- FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!
 

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My father went to Iraq. I miss him so much.​

Please come Baghdad.
 

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My father-in-law's favourite joke.​

You can kiss a Nun but don't get into the habit.
 

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A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”​

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

“I don’t know Father. I have not sinned; it just happened.”

The priest raised his eyebrows, concerned. “What you mean my child? Who is the father?”

“There is no father; I never been close to a man in my entire life.”

“Did something unusual happen? Is a family member pressuring you? Or do you remember passing out at party after a stranger offered you a drink?”

“Nothing of the sort Father; I’m a shy girl who doesn’t party and I spend most of my days at home.”

“Look. I cannot help you if you do not tell me the truth. If you are not honest with me, I may have to report this to the police.” replied the priest, mildly annoyed.

The girl dropped her defeated eyes to the ground. “I knew it wouldn’t work. I should have listened to my friend”.

The priest smiled, saddened. “I understand how difficult this is, my child. But I promise everything is going to be alright. So what did your friend say?”

“She warned me that the last time a girl managed to pull this one off with a priest, she had to create an entire new religion to cover it up.”
 

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The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.​

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"
 

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At school​

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your, John.
John: my father is an electrician, mom a nurse and i have a younger sister in kindergarten.

T: very hard workers, hu? And you, Pier?

Pier: well... right now my father is taking care of my mom who had a health problem and my elder sister works as substitute.

T: wait a second. What you mean with "substitute"?

Pier: you see, every evening she dresses very skimpy clothes, she puts on a lot of makeup and dad takes her to some dark road where she wait for her friends. Perhaps, very nice friends cause they give her a lot of money!

T: Pier, your saying that you're sister is a prostitute, not a substitute!!!

Pier: Mr. Teacher, absolutely not. My mom is a prostitute but, since she's sick, my sister is substituting her!
 

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Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man “Dad Bod”…​

It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.
 

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A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.​

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.
After a couple of hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father,
“How does this boat float?”
The father thought for a moment, then replied,
“Don’t rightly know, son.” T
he boy returned to his fishing, then turned back to his father,
“How do fish breath underwater?”
Once again the father replied,
“Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the johnny asked his father,
“Why is the sky blue?”
Again, the father replied.
“Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says,
“Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
 

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My Fathers favourite old-timer joke to honour him.​

An elderly woman hadn’t been to the doctor in a very long time. Her husband said to his wife that she should make an appointment for a check up. She made the appointment and went to the doctor. Afterwards, she came home and the husband asked what the doctor said. She replied that the doctor needed a specimen. The man asked what he meant by ‘a specimen’. She didn’t know. He suggested she ask their nosy neighbour Ethel across the road. Sometime later the wife came back with a black eye and very dishevelled as if she had been in a scuffle.
“What happened?!” asked her husband.
She replied, “I’m not sure, I went into Ethels and told her about the doctor. I asked her what is meant by a specimen. She turned to me and said piss in a cup, I told her to shit in her hat and the fight was on!”
 

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I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.​

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.
 

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A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.​

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio." Disappointed, the son goes to bed to rest up for the next early day. This day as he passes by poor farmer Jon's house he sees a flying saucer split the sky and abduct a few of farmer Jon's cows. Again he rushes home to tell his father. Surely this will impress him, he thought. " Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw passing farmer Jon's house today!" The old farmer replies "Aliens abducted farmer Jon's cows. Heard about it on my radio." Annoyed and again disappointed he can't impress his father with his story he heads off to bed to prepare for another early day on the farm. The next day as the son returns home from the market the boy comes in with a big smile on his face and goes "Pa, Pa! You'll never guess what! I lost my virginity today!" The old farmer skeptical says " In a pigs arse you did!" The son says "Goddamn it! Is there anything that damn radio doesn't tell you!"
 

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A father hears his daughter praying​

A father hears his daughter praying.
Daughter: God bless mama, god bless Daddy, god bless grandma and goodbye grandpa!
Father: why did you say goodbye grandpa?
Daughter: idk it felt right.
Next day grandpa drops dead. The father thought it was just a freaky coincidence
A week later father again hears his daughter praying
Daughter: God bless mama, god bless daddy and goodbye grandma
Next day the grandma dies. Now the father is worried
A week later he hears his daughter praying again
Daughter: god bless mama and goodbye daddy
The father starts panicking, can't sleep all night goes to work scared, thinking this is the day he dies. He feels safe in his office and thinks if he makes it to midnight he would be safe. Midnight comes and he goes home, relieved the death of his parents had nothing to do with his daughters prayers. When he reaches home his wife is pissed and asks where he's been all day, "honey I've had the worst day of my life". Tell me about it replied the wife, "the mail man died on our porch"!
 

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What do oak trees and absentee fathers have in common?​

Nuts and leaves.
 

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The young son asks the father what politics is​

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is the working class, and your little brother, still in diapers, is the future. Do you understand?"

The son is satisfied for now. In the night he wakes up because his little brother has wet his diapers and is now crying. He gets up and knocks at his parents' bedroom, but his mother is in a deep sleep and won't be woken up. So he goes to the maid and finds his father in bed with her. But even when he knocks several times, the two of them are not disturbed. So he goes back to his bed and continues to sleep.

In the morning, his father asks him if he now knows what politics is. The son replies, "Yes, now I know. Capitalism abuses the working class while the government sleeps. The people are totally ignored and the future is full of shit!"
 

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Letter from prison​

A father sends a letter to his son in prison: "I will not be able to plant potatoes this year. The fields have not been plowed yet, because you are not here to help out."

The son wrote back: "It's just as well, because the money I stole was buried in the fields."

The next day, the police are at the farm and dugged up the entire land, looking for the money, but found nothing.

The son writes to his father again: "Dad you can go ahead and plant the potatos now, that's the best I can do for you from here!"
 

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A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...​

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The second night, he comes home from work and she says "I'm sorry honey, I messed up dinner." He says "That's all right honey, let's just go to bed wink wink."

The third night he comes home and she's sitting on the radiator. He asks what she's doing? and she answers "Warming up supper."

My very proper 91-year-old Southern Mom says "You're welcome"
 

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Why Did the mother in law cross the road?​

She thought it was a boundary.
 

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly.....​

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says " What's for dinner?"
 

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How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?​

"no, it's ok, leave your poor mother in the dark..."
 

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...​

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account."

"If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do
you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
 

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A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...​

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
 

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Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."​

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"
 

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son​

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or uncle.

Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought
them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going until New Years Day. I went to the doctor on Thrusday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then for four days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within 7 days, up she comes.

Your loving mother,

P.S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already sealed the envelope.
 
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