The Joke Thread....

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed​

All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the pastor cheering with joy, that someone from that family decided to become protestant

After the pastor left, the family members ask the old man: „But why? Why did you become protestant?“

With his last breath, the man replies: „I thought it would be better one of them dies!“
 

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed​

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
r>“And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Daddy. Oh please don’t leave us!”

“And are my grandchildren in here with me?”

“Yes, grandad!”

“Then why is the feckin light still on in the front room?”
 

Family vacation​

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet monkey.

Police investigate but can't find a reason for the crash. They bring the monkey in for questioning.

Police: What were was the mother doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes applying lipstick using the rear view mirror.
Police: Ahhh she had the mirror turned. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were the kids doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes kids fighting.
Police: Ahhh- The kids caused a distraction. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What was the Dad doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes drinking out of a bottle.
Police: Ahhh. The father was drinking. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were you doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes holding a steering wheel and driving.
 

David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….​

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me for who I am. I’m gay.”

David’s mother gasps, clutching her chest. A contemplative silence comes over the room.

David’s father suddenly speaks up, a clear resentment in his voice, “I’m not at all happy with this, David. That’s not how a man should live. However, I can’t say it’s entirely unexpected. Although I prayed for it not to be, I’ve suspected this about you for a while. But that doesn’t change how I feel, hearing it coming straight from you. We need time to process this. Go to your room.”

Surprised at how well his father is taking this information, David’s brother feels as though he won’t get a better opportunity to share some news of his own.

“Dad, I would never have told you this if David hadn’t come forward first, but since you’ll be taking the time to process what David told you anyway, I think it’s the right time for me to bring this up. I have a boyfriend. I’ve been with him for 6 months now, and I think I love him.”

David’s father’s shoulders slump, and he sits forward with his head cradled in his hands, breathing shakily.

“I can’t believe this. This is too much for me to bear. My eldest children telling me that they will not give grandchildren to your mother and I?”

David’s father stands up, in clear indignation, shaking his head, in apparent denial of what he has just been told.

“You will not do this to me. I have worked hard to give you children a good life. This is not how I raised you.” shouts David’s father, growing increasingly unstable.

“Why did this have to happen to me, of all people? DOES ANYONE IN THIS WRETCHED HOUSE PREFER THE COMPANY OF WOMEN?” he exclaims, enraged.

“Well…” starts David’s sister.
 

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.​

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family. After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.” The wife then introduces him to the children. The parrot says “You have very nice children.” Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
 

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]​

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education.

His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses.

However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis.

Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe.

Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan.

His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide.

His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”.
 

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.​

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”
When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.
The Secretary then asked her,
”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”
The woman replied,
”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!
 

Perspective​

Three children are playing football in a park. Out of nowhere a large dog runs over to the group and attacks one of them unprovoked.

One of the other children tries to help his friend and kicks the dog in the head, killing it instantly.

A reporter who happened to be passing comes racing over to try and help, getting there just as the dog dies.

After making sure they are all okay he takes his notepad out and begins to dictate his story out loud...

"Heroic Manchester United fan saves friend from savage beast..."

"But I'm not a Man United fan" the boy interrupts.

"Brave City fan rescues friend from vicious..."

"I'm not a City fan either" says the boy.

"Then who do you support?" Asks the reporter.

"Liverpool" replies the lad.

"Scouse cunt kills family pet".
 

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert​

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”

the husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
 

At school​

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your, John.
John: my father is an electrician, mom a nurse and i have a younger sister in kindergarten.

T: very hard workers, hu? And you, Pier?

Pier: well... right now my father is taking care of my mom who had a health problem and my elder sister works as substitute.

T: wait a second. What you mean with "substitute"?

Pier: you see, every evening she dresses very skimpy clothes, she puts on a lot of makeup and dad takes her to some dark road where she wait for her friends. Perhaps, very nice friends cause they give her a lot of money!

T: Pier, your saying that you're sister is a prostitute, not a substitute!!!

Pier: Mr. Teacher, absolutely not. My mom is a prostitute but, since she's sick, my sister is substituting her!
 

When he was 10 years old, a boy went on a cross country trip with his family. (Long)​

They had seen the Grand Canyon and the world’s largest ball of string and today they were going to see the man with the best memory in the world. The man was Native American, and he entertained visitors at his home in Arizona.

The boy was very intrigued but struggled with how to test the man’s memory. When he met the man all the boy could think to ask was “What did you have for breakfast on my birthday, April 2, 1950. The Indian man quickly answered “Eggs”.

The boy walked away disappointed in himself at not asking a better question, but it was time to go. The boy vowed to return, and he did, 10 years later. In the meantime, the boy had become fascinated with Native American culture, even learning a little of the language. So upon meeting the man for the second time the boy greeted the man with a traditional greeting in his language – “How” (remember, it was 1970).

“Scrambled” said the Indian.
 

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.​

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<br>
The bull ends up costing exactly $599, but it's the cheapest one the stockyard has, so the brunette buys it, and goes to the nearest city kilometers away to contact her sister.



With only $1 left, the brunette is shocked to find out that the telegraph office charges $0.99 per word. Having no other way to bring the bull back except by dragging it across the harsh landscape, she commits to her decision.



"Greetings, I'd like a telegraph sent to my sister to go get our family carriage so we can haul the bull back home."



"Okay. Our cost is 99 cents a word."



"I have... 1 dollar here."



"1 dollar? That's one word, then."



"Send her the word 'comfortable'."



"Comfortable? H-how does that tell your sister that she needs to get the carriage and come over to haul the bull back to your home?"



"She's blonde, and she'll read it slowly... come-for-the-bull."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Featured content

Trending content

Back
Top