The Joke Thread....

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.​

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....​

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.
 

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.​

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”
 

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.​

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.

'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
 

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"​

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the horse and we continued our riding, after a while her horse again throw her off, she got up calmly cleared the dust and facing the horse said "that's two" and got back on the horse and we continued our ride, and both times i was amazed by how calm and peaceful my wife is, after a while her horse again for ive 3rd time throw her off, my wife calmly got up cleared the dust off of her dress, grabbed the shotgun and shot ive horse in the face, i, shocked by what ive seen started yelling at her calling her crazy and insane, my wife however kept looking at me calmly, once i finished she said "that's one" ."
 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.​

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
 

The effects of marriage on sex.​

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage​

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest leader of a worthy crew, and a loyal lover. When he returns from a particularly long time on the briney main, he scoops her in his arms, carries her up to their bed, and finds she has shaven her port bare, and had a replica of the Rigid Timber tattooed there between her thighs. This way, whether he returns or not, he can do the honorable thing, and go down on his ship.
 

After experiencing a dry spell in her marriage, a woman decides to see if there’s anything she can do to help her husband.​

She heads to her local chemist and bravely asks the store worker if there’s anything she can buy to spice up her love life.

“Hi, can I get Viagra here?” she asks the old male pharmacist working at the local chemist.
When he confirms that they do sell Viagra she asks: “Can you get it over the counter?”
Cheekily, the pharmacist replies: “If you give him enough of it he’ll get it over his shoulder!“
 
What is marriage like?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My son is almost grown up now. Over the weekend he asked me what marriage is like," he tells the bartender. "So, what did you tell him?" the bartender asks. "I told him, 'It's fine.' And then I gave him the silent treatment for three days."
 

After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."​

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one
 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….​

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.
 

A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...​

"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."

The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."

The priest nodded and then raised an eyebrow. "Twice a week? That's got to be pretty expensive!"

"Not at all," said the old man. "She goes out on Thursdays, and I go out on Sundays."
 

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.​

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.


A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.


His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.


At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.


While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.


He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.


Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”


There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party!
 

A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.​

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those who stand smile significantly less. Then he notices a couple sitting near the front and the man is grinning broadly. He hadn't stood for weekly or monthly and yet looked the happiest of all the parishioners. Intrigued the minister asked him how often he had conjugal relations and the man replied: "once a year." The minister was perplexed, but while he mulled over the apparent contradiction the man continued: "and tonight’s the night."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Featured content

Trending content

Back
Top