The Joke Thread....

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.​

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”
 

a door-to-door salesman​

A door-to-door salesman on his neighborhood rounds knocks on the door of a house. A little boy, no older than five, answers. The boy is wearing a velvet robe. In one hand is a brandy snifter filled halfway with liquor. In the other hand is a lit cigar. The boy takes a sip, then a puff.

The door-to-door salesman, shocked, asks, "Uh, are you parents home?"

The little boy says, "Does it fucking look like it?"
 

A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…​

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” “No, between its legs! That, what is that?” The mother goes red. “Oh, that’s... that’s nothing, honey.”

The father returns and the mother goes off to use the restroom. Still curious, the son asks his dad:

“Daddy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “His trunk, son.” “No, further back!” “You mean his tail?” “No, that thing! Between his legs!” “Oh, that! Well, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “Oh!... Why did Mommy say it was nothing?” “Son, I have SPOILED that woman.”
 

Little Johnny wakes up one night…​

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming.

Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life".

Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside.

He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
 

A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.​

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
The girls boyfriend shakes their hands and says: "Nice to meet you too. My name is Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter.".
The father stares at him shocked and says angrily: "Excuse me?? To what?!"
"It's Tobias, but you can call me Tobi if you like", he responds and walks in.
 

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.​

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
r>George's parents immediately stormed into the classroom. "Our son is not dumb!" they yelled. "He is a sweet and kind young lad with plenty of potential!"

"He has no potential at all!" shrieked Mrs. Jones. "He was born an idiot and he'll die an idiot!"

The Gundersons were so outraged that they immediately moved to Chicago.

Some thirty years later, Mrs. Jones came down with a terrible illness and went to her doctor.

"You have a very rare disease," the doctor said. "There is only one doctor in the whole country who can sure your disease. His name is Dr. Gunderson, and he works in the Chicago hospital."

At once, Mrs. Jones bought a plane ticket to Chicago. After arriving in Chicago, she went straight to the hospital and asked for Dr. Gunderson.

While treating Mrs. Jones, Dr. Gunderson put her on a life support system. One day, she asked him, "You know, Dr. Gunderson, I don't believe you ever told me your first name. What is it?"

Dr. Gunderson was about to answer, when suddenly, Mrs. Jones collapsed. She was dead.

Dr. Gunderson saw that the janitor had absentmindedly unplugged the life support system so he could plug in his vacuum cleaner. He shook his head and said the the janitor, "You know, George, sometimes I can't believe you're my brother."
 

Blondes​

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, young man!"

Once the kid understood what was happening and was sitting quietly, she wrote a ransom note that said, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning at 7 o'clock, put $10,000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the pine tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground." She signed it "Blondie"…

She pinned the note to the kid's striped tee-shirt and then sent him home to show his parents…

The next morning, the blonde went to the playground, looked under the pine tree, and there it was, the brown paper bag. She looked in the bag, and the $10,000 she demanded was there, along with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?
 

A kid walks into his parent’s room​

He sees that his mom and dad are fucking.
He asks his dad “ Dad, what are you doing ? “
The Dad says “ I’m getting you a new baby brother or sister by doing it like this…”
The kid replies “ But I don’t want a baby brother or sister, can you do it doggystyle so i can get a pet instead ? “
 

Three children ask their parents how they got their names​

The parents reply to the first child, “That’s east Rose, not long after you were born a rose petal fell onto your head”.

The second child butts in, “But dad where did you you get the name Daisy?”

“The same as your sister, a daisy petal fell on your head”

“Mughuahuhwawawah”
r>“Shut up Fridge!”
 

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…​

  • My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
  • CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
  • Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
  • A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • A picture is now only worth 200 words.
  • The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
  • I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
And finally...
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time​

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with me.

Then just as he is about to pay he tells the guy “you know what give me another one, my mother in law is one of those MILFs who hits the gym a lot and you never know right?

He then goes to have dinner with his GF and her family, afterwards his Gf Tell him, “you were so quiet, didn’t know you were so shy”

To which Mike replies “well, I didn’t know your daddy was a Pharmacist...”
 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce​

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
 

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...​

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They're my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"
 

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital​

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.

"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.

"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."
 

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time​

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells looking at the dog curled at the young man's feet. "Great" the young man thinks. "He thinks it's the dog. If I let a couple more fly I'll be fine." The young man let's out a slightly noisier fart. "Spot!" the father yells. The young man looks down at the dog feigning disgust, pleased at his ruse, and thinks "one more and I'm good." He goes for broke and rips off a monster. The father screams "Spot! Get away from that boy before he shits on you!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Featured content

Trending content

Back
Top