The Joke Thread....

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."​

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
 

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.​

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the Aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
 

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.​

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.”

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
 

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.​

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea,

outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and

redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauds. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."
 

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.​

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"
 

A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother​

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up about his hands being cold.
She tells him “Put them in between my legs, they’ll warm right up.”
So he does and they warm up, a few minutes pass and he starts complaining again… his nose is cold.
She says, “Put it between my legs it’ll warm up”

Later that night she gets home and asks her mother, “Mom, what’s a penis?”
Her mom freaks out and asks, “Why?”
She replies, “Because it sure is messy when it thaws out”
 

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"​

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father.
 

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!​

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’
‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’
 

A mother, father, and 6-year-old son go to a zoo..​

where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the bathroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.
“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” “No, between its legs! That, what is that?” The mother goes red. “Oh, that’s... that’s nothing, honey.”


The father returns and the mother goes off to use the bathroom. Still curious, the sons asks his dad:
“Daddy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “His trunk, son.” “No, further back!” “You mean his tail?” “No, that thing! Between his legs!” “Oh, that! Well, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “Oh!... Why did Mommy say it was nothing?” “Son, I have SPOILED that woman.”
 

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”​

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh for fuck sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
 

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"​

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named Cakeday?"

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.​

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow!​

A married couple, Harry, and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
She said she would like something electric.”
Harry replies, “How about a chair?”
 

A mother was having a baby and the father was out of the room eating food. A nurse ran up to the father and told him “the doctor is ready to deliver your baby”…​

The father looked at the nurse with a scared face and said “I’d rather my baby be born with a liver.”
 

My son was born with 5 penises​

I was devastated

His mother was devastated

His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."
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A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.​

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!
 

What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?​

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a bat!". Wait for them to react and let it sink in for a bit. Then ask them "What hangs up and has a huge penis!?" once this line is delivered wait for them to respond. But right before they are able to finish speaking, end the call as quickly as possible!

The joke is that you have a big penis. Even if you don't, feel free to use this joke!
 

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid​

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the church and started praying, begging god to save his loyal servant.

After a few seconds he saw a boat, the man on the boat said "come father we will save you"

The priest answered: No, go my son, i will pray to god and HE will save me

Then came the second boat, the man said "Father, the water almost reached you, come with us and we will save you"

"No" answered the priest again, I Will pray to god and HE will save me

After a minute, came the last boat. the Mayor yhat was on the boat said "Come with us father, we are the last, we will save you"

The priest, with a voice full of inspiration answered "No, I belive in God, he will save me if i belive"

After a minute, everyone left and the priest drowned.

When he came to heaven, he went straight to god and said "I was your best priest, best beliver, i read the bible every day and prayed every sunday. Why did you let me die?"

God Answers: I sent you THREE F-ING BOATS,WHY DIDNT YOU GO ON THEM??
 

A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.​

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "See, here are some noodles...here is some cream of mushroom soup...here are some dried beans..."

He then took him to the fridge and continued "Here is some cheese....here is some yogurt...here is a banana..." The teenager rolled his eyes and said "whatever" and stomped out of the kitchen.

Seeing all of this, the mother said to the father "You know, honey, I really appreciate you stepping in and setting him straight. He's gotten so negative lately. I'm really glad you did that!"

"I am too," the father replied, "because now I see there isn't shit to eat in this house!"
 
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