The Joke Thread....

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...​

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
 

A young Irish girl goes to confession...​

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.

The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”

The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”

“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
 

Marriage Counselling​

A couple go to get counselling. The counsellor asks why they think they need counselling and before the man gets a chance to speak his wife starts.

"He’s always horny and often wants sex at the least convenient times."

"Ok!" says the counsellor "can you give me an example?"

The wife thinks for a moment then begins "Well! Just last week I was busy doing the laundry, I had no sooner closed the machine door when he walked up behind me, pulled my pants and panties down, bent me over the edge of the machine and fucked me from behind."

The counsellor is a little confused "I see nothing wrong with that, many people have sex while they are doing chores."

"What!!!” Exclaimed the wife. "While at the laundromat???"
 
A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage
He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him some lingerie sets for around the $50 mark, and they were all very basic and underwhelming to him. Suddenly, a sexy negligee caught the man's eye. It was very sheer with a thin bit of trim around the neckline, but cost $499. He decided that it is his 20th anniversary, he should spend a little on his wife, so he had the sales associate ring him up and wrap it up for him.

When he eventually got home, he handed his wife the wrapped package and said, "Happy 20th anniversary, my dear. Why don't you go try this on?" She quickly disappeared up to the bedroom and unwrapped the gift when she found that the sales associate had left the receipt in the box. "$500?!" the wife thought to herself. "There's barely anything here! I can return this and get something I really want with the $500. I'll just strip down and wear a little bit of string around my neck, my husband won't know that I'm naked. He'll think I'm wearing the negligee!" And so she does. She calls her husband up to the bedroom. When he walks in, he looks his wife up and down and lets out a low whistle. She asks, "What do you think, honey?" He replied, "Well, for what I spent on that, you think they could have ironed it!"
 

The Marriage,,,​

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.

Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I
said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!"
 

Before and after marriage​

Before

\- I have waited this day so long!

· Will you leave me?

\- Never!

· Do you love me?

\- Of course, yes!

· Will you ever lie to me?

\- Never!

· Will you kiss me?

\- Whenever I can!

· Will you hurt me?

\- No fool!r>
· Can I trust you?

\- Yes, of course

· You’re the destiny of my life!

After

Read in reverse



An old joke made by my ex :)
 

A husband visited marriage counselled​

and said: "When we were first married, | would
come home from the office, my wife would bring
my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking.

Now after ten years it's different. | come home,
the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking."

Said the counsellor: "Why complain. You are still
getting the same service.
In the corporate world they call it,

Job Rotation
 

The ABCs of Marriage​

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!"

She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?"

"I'm Just Kidding!"



(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
 

Marriage​

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today.
 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce​

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
 

Mickey Mouse and Minnie go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.​

He talks to them both briefly and then starts one to one sessions. He talks to Minnie first in private. He comes out and approaches Mickey and says "I cannot see any evidence of your wifes insanity" to which Mickey replies "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"
 

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:​

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
 

Back from business trip.​

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the email
 

A happy marriage​

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick, and the doctor said she would not recover in trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000 He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my strandmothe told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll" The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
 

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage​

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart. We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge. My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again. After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two". Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way. Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and shot the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ". I was so shocked, I started screaming at my husband"what did you do that for, are you crazy that's terrible". My husband turned to me and he said "that's one".
 

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time...​

As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband.

"He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn't say he loves me enough..."

This continues for some time until finally the counselor stands up and tells the wife to stop.

He then says, <br>
"Stand up and walk over to me."

As soon as she walks over, the counselor grabs her tightly and gives her a passionate kiss.

He then looks over to the husband and says,

"See? That's all she needs 2-3 times a week to be happy."

The husband laughs excitedly and says,

"That's great, doc! I can drop her off every Monday and Wednesday."
 

Three times a week​

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I play golf."
 

Marriage Invitation!​

I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."

I read it again and again. Was getting confused...

Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend
 

The picky princess and Peasant John​

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a kind but ageing king. This king had a single daughter, beautiful and clever, but incredibly picky regarding suitors.
At first, the king entertained many foreign princes and young nobles, seeking the hand of his daughter in marriage. However, the princess insisted every potential groom be put to a mysterious test of her design, and none of the suitors returned from a walk in the park with her.

Gradually, the nobles and princes stopped visiting the castle, and the old king began to despair. Will his daughter ever find someone worthy enough to inherit his kingdom? So he let it be known that anyone, no matter his birth or station, can try his luck.

And so it came to pass that Peasant John arrived to brave the princess's test. The princess took him for a walk in the castle gardens, passing the time in pleasant conversation, until they came to a pond full of crocodiles.
The princess slipped a ring from her slender finger, threw it into the pond, looked at Peasant John and said "Pull it out!"

Peasant John didn't hesitate and pulled it out. And the princess said, "Finally! All the other idiots jumped into the pond
 

An Army major is assigned to a troubled base​

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the major calls for the sergeant, who arrives and tells the major, "I'm the sergeant, but everyone just calls me Biff, we're pretty casual around here!"

"So I see," the major says, "tell me about this base".

"Well sir," Biff begins, "It's pretty chill. For instance, every Monday after chow, we load up on beer and whiskey and we just get screamin' drunk. It's a RIOT!"

Major: "Young man, there will be NO consumption of alcohol on this base!"

Biff: "It's all cool dude, TUESDAYS... man, Tuesdays! We grab a bale of the local weed, smoke up, eat Cheetos and laugh or asses off til sunup! Wait til you try it!"

Major: "There will be NO ILLICIT DRUG USE ON MY BASE!"

Biff: "Woah. OK, but Wednesdays are still cool, right? We get a dozen of the local hookers in the mess tent, and we have the most INSANE orgy you've ever seen! Gang-bang-city, dude!!"

Major" "Sexual relations with women, outside of marriage? On an Army base? I'll NOT STAND FOR IT!"

Biff: "Say, you're not one-a-them homer-sexuals, are ya?"

Major: "Certainly not!!"

Biff: "I guess you don't wanna hear about Thursdays then."
 
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